I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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