I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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