its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
