tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
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