You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
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