and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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