Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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