we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
