In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Randomize
