I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Randomize
