Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
