man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Randomize
