Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
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