i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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