Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
