Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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