his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Randomize
