i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Randomize
