I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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