we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
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