If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Randomize
