Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I'm like, not good at living.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
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