every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
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