I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
