I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
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