Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
