Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
I want to fling myself into the sun
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Randomize
