I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
