Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Randomize
