Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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