just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Randomize
