how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
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