I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
So many bounce houses so little time
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
