Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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