And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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