she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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