I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I woke up under a house in Key West
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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