Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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