Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Randomize
