You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Randomize
