We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
The uberlube is also flammable
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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