I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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