You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
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