WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
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