i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Randomize
