It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Randomize
