then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Floor bacon is actually really good
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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