so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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