she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
