It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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