Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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