If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
